This is terrible.

I just realised if this is what pharmacy is about, and this is what it's about everywhere in the world then I don't want to practice it at all! This isn't what I studied 3.5 years for! It's not what I envisioned myself doing.

I just realised I fooled myself to fit into my own ideals, blinded myself the entire 15 months I've been working, and for what purpose?? Because subconsciously, I knew what was going on and didn't want to admit I totally picked the wrong course??

Perhaps. Perhaps I should have just gone to study psychology then maybe all this nonsense would have made better sense.

But this is it. I had hope and now it's shattered. Gone. My dreams, or maybe I never had any real dreams. Maybe I just had the idea of dreams. I picked a course based on this idea that I will have dreams and that the dreams are there and I just have to dream it or I haven't come to realise it.

Quarter-life crisis! Change career paths?? Wing it? Try to practice elsewhere?? Go with the flow?? Bum around and leech off other people's money?

How oh how did I think so wrongly about this course? Why did I think back then that it was such a great idea? Why was I so naive back then? Why did I think everyone in this world would be good to their morals and practice professionalism and politeness and goodness and all things well-being and angelic??!

All I see is this inner bitterness. This cynicism. This blind stupidity. Mindless followers of bad faith. Self-righteousness. Selfishness. One-mindedness. Are they not with eyes?? Do they not see?? Are we really that helpless against the forces of human nature? Can't we resist the habits we know shouldn't be? Is the next person really as disgusting and not worthy as you think he is? What the fuck is the difference between both of you? It makes me sick to think I'm supposed to be one of you.

So that's me in this desolate place desperate for a drink of freshness. Something to tell me that hey, it's not all that is bad. Some light on the horizon. Some angel despite the devil's horns. Maybe doomsday couldn't come any sooner for us.